Hi everyone - it's been shamefully too long since I've blogged. Things have been busy of course, and at the same time I have felt like there hasn't been anything meaningful to write about. But I need to get back in the saddle, so to speak. I wanted to start by sharing a story.
I was in the back of a room, almost as if it was scene that was being set up in front of me. The room ran lengthwise across and toward the front of the room there were a few round tables and chairs. My mother was sitting at one of the tables, with her back mostly to me. She was looking at a friend of hers, who was talking to her very animatedly. My mom wasn't saying anything, she was just listening patiently, which was very normal for her to do.
Suddenly the scene shifted and I was at the end of the room, to the left of where I had been watching before. At that moment, I was a participant in the scene. I looked at her, and could feel myself getting excited that she was there...she was really there! She turned and looked at me. Her friend suddenly didn't seem to be there, though I knew she still was. But I was completely focused on my mom, and she on me. It seemed that my entire field of vision was filled with my mom's face, but I didn't feel like either of us had moved. She looked at me very seriously, not angry or anything like that. Instead, she seemed determined. Determined that I remember this moment, as if she knew I rarely remember my dreams.
Then she slowly and clearly said, "Everything's ok".
At that moment, I could feel the emotions start to well up. I wanted to say so much to her, to hug her, to cry, to tell her how much I miss her and how hard everyday is without her. Before any of that could happen though, I woke up. I woke with a choked back sob in my throat, and all I wanted to do was cry. But I couldn't, I physically couldn't. I caught my breath, and I remember whispering "Thanks, Mom". I immediately fell back asleep.
In the morning I cried. I told my husband about my dream and I cried. After I took the kids to school I cried on my way to work. I teared up most of the day. I just couldn't get the image out of my head. I shared the story with my brother and he told me that the night before he had been feeling pretty low, thinking about mom. That morning, he had seen my note, and it made him feel better. Like it was a message to us, letting us know that things are ok. Whether things are ok with her, or will be ok with us...I hope that it will be both.
I still think about that dream regularly, but now, it's comforting, rather than upsetting. I miss her so much, but I trust her when she says "Everything's ok".